Sometimes
I feel like I’m a scam to myself. I tell people to chill, to trust, to be
positive, but my demons were always whispering to me that I would never make
it. I will never get over my anxiety, I will never be enough for another
human being. I will forever be numb by feelings and that my memories will keep
haunting me until the end of time. Sometimes I just want to scream at the top
of my lungs and break apart in the middle of the day, but instead, I pretended
that nothing is going on inside my head.
I
don’t even take off the mask when I’m alone. I’m now an expert in telling the
world that I’m okay that I start to believe in myself too. But deep down inside
I know they are just bullshit. If I’m okay, I can trust again. If I’m okay, I
can cry again. If I’m okay, I can learn to be vulnerable. But all these
years I only keep finding the keys to my padlock heart, I tried to put the
broken pieces together so that I do not hurt anyone that tries to come close. Yet,
each time I try, I tell myself I am the biggest scammer to myself!
I
want to be sitting on the passenger seat listening to him sing each word so
confidently, his fingertips playing an invisible drum set on the steering
wheel. Carefully, I watch his jaw clench; cheek pulsing as it tenses. His eyes
light up as he gets excited over his upcoming trip. I want to be just sitting
there next to him without having ten thousand other thoughts raising up my
mind. I want to feel that my heart longs to be his forever, and that tell
myself, he is everything I never knew I needed.
I want
to be able to answer when he asked me what’s in my mind. Because, little did he
know that he’s been walking all over my heart the moment he gave me his smile.