Many
parents tend to say things like, “why are you still holding onto the past?”
or “You just don’t know how to forgive”. As if pain has an expiry date. As
if becoming an adult automatically erases the things that formed you. But our childhood does not stay in childhood. It follows us quietly into adulthood.
The
way we were loved becomes the way we learn to love ourselves. The way our
emotions were treated becomes the way we handle pain. A child who grows up
unheard may become an adult who struggles to express feelings. A child who
learns vulnerability is unsafe may become someone who carries everything alone.
These are not excuses. They are patterns shaped over years, often without us
even realizing it.
I
think what hurts the most is that many children spend their whole lives trying
to protect their parents’ feelings while silently carrying wounds their parents
refuse to acknowledge. Not because they want revenge or conflict, but because deep
down, every child wants their pain to be seen by the people who caused it. And
maybe that’s what parents misunderstand. We are not asking them to be
perfect. We are not asking them to go back and change the past. We are
simply asking them to understand that certain words, silences and/or emotional
absences left marks deeper than they realized.
Because
healing does not begin when pain is denied. Healing begins when someone finally
says, “I understand why that hurt you”. But the difficult truth
is, not every parent is emotionally capable of saying that. Some people would
rather call you unforgiving than face the possibility that they hurt you in
ways they never intended to.