"What is she doing?" with the impatient tone.
It was something about the phrasing that got to me. Something about the cadence of his words, the staccato of his speech. I walk in from the door, at 18 I already breakdown more times than the total number of years I was on earth, the thought of leaving this place come and go. And this time, like the times before it, tries to walk in the door with a smile, just waiting for the door where I can leave and never come back. As I continue walking up to my room, took the towel and breakdown on the toilet floor right before the tears come breaking in. They just break, eventually.
This was the deepest hurt, is like your wound is still in the mid of recovery and injured it again. I thought this is family, but why couldn't I feel care and affection here. When I pick myself up from the floor and thought I can just get over this like any other time, head down, no reaction into the shower. It was only when the water came flashing down that I began to sob the kind of aching sound that leaves you limp in its wake. I could barely get a vision. This is my family, the family I risk my life for.
That was eighteen year old me.
Twenty-one-year-old me sat by the funeral of my grandmother all heartbroken on how I could be seeing you just two weeks ago, and now all I can see is a picture of yours. I sat there and see how the children started drawing lines, lucky my grandmother isn't any rich woman, she probably only has a few ten over thousand in her account, but they were all sorted out before she pass away. They break-up relationship, deleted contacts, and go on separate ways.
A family should never have to rely on someone to roll on.
I lose the interest in maintaining siblings, where it just break. You spend more than half of your life with your siblings, how can they just break. I lose the hope of having children, cause eventually, they just break. Maybe relationship ain't supposed to be kept, maybe people shouldn't have siblings, maybe things just break.
A few years from then, I stop wishing for a relationship, I stop wishing for a family, I stopped looking. I know that this place would never give me the sense of warmth or belonging. I lost the smile every night when it comes to myself, at times, I try to look back on old pictures to remind myself that I was once happy. It was something I could do, but the night just goes darker each time.
Relationship are worth maintaining. I need someone to show me, but it's too late.
