I am not heartbroken anymore. Really, I’m not. I am not someone who would say something against my heart, at least in writing. Really, it is.
I no longer flood my journal with you. I even stopped writing letters to you for all those words that I wished I could have shared with you. I stopped writing for you. I no longer find you to be a habit. I do not even take the initiative to message you or call you, I don’t even have your number, anyway. I do not find my hand reaching for a phone to start typing away to tell you all of the details. And maybe, just maybe, I might not even recognize you on a crowded street.
But still… there are days, and there are moments, where all I want to do is look over at you and smirk and roll my eyes. There are days, and there are moments where I know I’m being stupid but you would still laugh at me. There are days, and there are moments, where I feel like you would be the only one to understand me. I can admit that there are times where I know that even though I may not be able to remember your look, I still miss your smile.
And I still really want to see them.
I’m no longer empty. I do not feel like I have a gaping hole shaped exactly like your torso in my chest. I do not watch the blood pulsate in my veins and see your lies flowing through me. I do not look for you to finish my sentences or to pick me up at the end of the day. I am not trying to finish anything because I’m complete. Really. I am complete on my own. I’m whole.
I’m not waiting for you anymore. I do not stay up at night; I am not sitting in my bed creating fantasies of you and me together. I do not watch the clock move and feel disappointed when you don’t text me. I no longer wish it was you when the phone rings or when a message comes in. There’s nothing for you here. This is a world that I created without you. This is not yours, and I’m not waiting for you to claim your space.
I’m not hoping, not wishing, not looking, not praying. And I am most definitely not waiting. Because I’m older now, wiser now. And I know there’s nothing there for me. I’ve moved on. There’s no but, I’m simply not heartbroken over you anymore, except I still miss you.