When I tell you I miss you don’t get confused with loving you all over again. In that moment, when we’re speaking, I miss you. I don’t sit around on the couch whole day, watching dramas wishing you were here and my life would be incomplete without you. I don’t think about you every day like I used too. You’re not a memory that appears in my head constantly. I don’t wander where you are or what you’re doing. When your name pops up on the Skype sign-in, I no longer wish your message will randomly pop-in with a “Hi”.
When you weren’t just a memory but my reality, when you still thought that both of us could have a chance, but you still talk to me, you still say Hi randomly, and that sucks. It sucks to let someone go without giving a chance. You do not need to be on Tinder or any dating sites, you could just have me. But that was your decision to make it feel like I wasn’t worth it.
I wasn’t worth your time. I wasn’t worth arguing for.
I might not have the feminine side a guy is looking for, I don’t dress up, I don’t put make up, I hold the same bag I held 6 years ago, I don’t start the conversation, but I still secretly wish you would take the first move. You would take the first move to ask me out, to date me for movies, to pop-up with random “How’s your day” text, instead of “I hope you’d been doing great”, cause the last conversation could be months later.
Most of the times, I would stay on bed a little longer before I fall asleep because I wish your arms would be over my waist, or how we would stayed up a little longer just to update on the little things that happen throughout the day. I wish I could show you all of the new things in my world you’re missing. That letting you go is something I struggle with daily. That missing you have become so natural that it’s just a feeling I bury deep within me.
We both know that I’ll never come back to you with my heart in my hands begging you to love me. That was pretty clear the last time we talked. I’m strong and I’m tough, so you don’t get to see the broken pieces of my heart anymore. The pieces that I’ve been trying to glue back together, the ones I assumed would magically fix themselves after time and miles between us.
Yet it doesn’t work that way. Miles and time do work if you’re willing to actively move on. If you’re willing to put in the work to let the other person go, and to be honest, I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to pretend that seeing your name anywhere on the social media doesn’t make my heart flutter because you want to talk to me. That you want to see how I am. That you still give a shit after all this time. And really, that’s all my ego needs.
I need to know that I had an effect on your life the same way you had on mine. I know it’s the feelings that kept me holding onto you, hoping that you could one day fall in love with me like how I fell hard. Do I miss you or do I miss the way you manage to always say the right things? My feelings are real. They have to be. And as I have this internal struggle on paper it makes me realize why you wouldn’t give us both a chance to fall in love with each other in the first place. My never ending back and forth about who I am, what I want and my feelings for you aren’t fair to you.
So, I don’t pine you, I crave you. I crave the feelings that were once so raw and so real to me. They seem like such a distant memory that they almost don’t feel real anymore. I know you and I will never exist in this memory, so for now, I’ll just miss you. Because that’s just where I am, and that’s OK.
When you weren’t just a memory but my reality, when you still thought that both of us could have a chance, but you still talk to me, you still say Hi randomly, and that sucks. It sucks to let someone go without giving a chance. You do not need to be on Tinder or any dating sites, you could just have me. But that was your decision to make it feel like I wasn’t worth it.
I wasn’t worth your time. I wasn’t worth arguing for.
I might not have the feminine side a guy is looking for, I don’t dress up, I don’t put make up, I hold the same bag I held 6 years ago, I don’t start the conversation, but I still secretly wish you would take the first move. You would take the first move to ask me out, to date me for movies, to pop-up with random “How’s your day” text, instead of “I hope you’d been doing great”, cause the last conversation could be months later.
Most of the times, I would stay on bed a little longer before I fall asleep because I wish your arms would be over my waist, or how we would stayed up a little longer just to update on the little things that happen throughout the day. I wish I could show you all of the new things in my world you’re missing. That letting you go is something I struggle with daily. That missing you have become so natural that it’s just a feeling I bury deep within me.
Yet it doesn’t work that way. Miles and time do work if you’re willing to actively move on. If you’re willing to put in the work to let the other person go, and to be honest, I’m not ready yet. I’m not ready to pretend that seeing your name anywhere on the social media doesn’t make my heart flutter because you want to talk to me. That you want to see how I am. That you still give a shit after all this time. And really, that’s all my ego needs.
I need to know that I had an effect on your life the same way you had on mine. I know it’s the feelings that kept me holding onto you, hoping that you could one day fall in love with me like how I fell hard. Do I miss you or do I miss the way you manage to always say the right things? My feelings are real. They have to be. And as I have this internal struggle on paper it makes me realize why you wouldn’t give us both a chance to fall in love with each other in the first place. My never ending back and forth about who I am, what I want and my feelings for you aren’t fair to you.
So, I don’t pine you, I crave you. I crave the feelings that were once so raw and so real to me. They seem like such a distant memory that they almost don’t feel real anymore. I know you and I will never exist in this memory, so for now, I’ll just miss you. Because that’s just where I am, and that’s OK.