I’ve never experienced it before. I’m used to being single. I’m good at it. I know how to self-entertain myself when I’m bored and what dating apps to check if I want a quick boost in confidence. But I’m not used to being someone’s serious girlfriend. What if I’m bad at it? I have no idea how to put someone’s life infront of mine. Just the thought of taking such serious steps gives me major anxiety.
Crushes are hard enough to deal with. I’ve had my heart moved by certain guys, and I’ve had my heartbroken even when I’m not in a relationship. And those heart breaks were only over boys I wish I would’ve been with. Imagine how bad it would be if I ended up in a serious relationship with someone who stole my heart? Loving someone is ten times worse than lusting over them. I don’t know if I’m ready to experience that level of emotion.
I don’t want to lose sight of what’s important in life. It’s hard enough to balance my social life and my career as a single woman. Adding a man into the mix would only make life more difficult. If I found a serious boyfriend, I’d have to make him one of my top priorities, which means I might end up letting other things, like my friendships or my career, slide. But I never want that to happen.
I don’t want to lose my independence. I consider myself to be pretty self-sufficient, but if I entered a serious relationship, my boyfriend would become a big part of my life. I’d end up getting upset over silly things. Getting attached would be able to make or break my day, and I’m scared of letting someone hold that much power over me.
People do crazy things in the name of love, and I don’t know if I want to get involved in it. Because the more I have, the more I have to lose. It’s not falling in love that scares me as much as falling out of love. I don’t want to get my hopes up by imagining what it would be like to marry a certain man, and then end up getting my heart broken when it doesn’t actually happen. I know that I’m strong, but I really don’t know if I could handle this breakdown, though this is something I hope I never have to go through.
This is why Falling in Love scares the shit out of me.