At one point of my life, we were looking forward to this phase of life- the mid-20s. And it always looked so cool, so glamorous, so filled with love and laughter. Yet here we are, with knowledge that it’s anything but.
It’s messy buns and messier lives. It’s baggy shirts and overflowing laundry bags. It’s lot of work and never enough money. It’s freedom with responsibilities and life is no longer what it seemed. Different people are doing different things.
Your friends are getting married, your college mates are killing it with success. Your ex is happily in love. Your old mate is drowning in alcohol. Different people are doing different things. But not you. You’re just existing. You’re getting through everyday a little better than the last. But then you have days where you can’t get up at all.
You spend your Friday evenings holed up in a corner because you’re too responsible to do anything wild. Too control freakish to lose yourself to someone’s else tunes. But somehow, this isn't enough, this life you’re living doesn't feel complete. Loneliness wraps around you like a blanket you love and you wander where you went wrong. Why you became different to everyone else.
“Did I do too much too soon? Did I not do enough? Was there a reason why it was never me? Is this going to be the rest of my life? Alone? Unsuccessful? Filled with dreams that never come true?”
And your hands reach out to your phone. One text. One call. To that someone who might make you feel pretty. Who might make you feel important. And your need takes over. The need to feel accepted. To feel appreciated. To feel adored. To feel loved. And it’s so strong, you forget your sanity for a few minutes of flattery. You lessen your worth for dishonest words. The hurt in your heart, camouflaged. If only for a few seconds.
But it’s never enough. And when you wake up, it’s worse. The hammering of your heart so loud in your ears. A memory of last night frustratingly haunting. Yet another mistake. Yet again. You scream hateful words to yourself – When will I ever learn? You go over those messages, those conversations. How you fell right back into a ditch when you knew better. Just for a moment, you wish you weren't yourself.