I'm terrified that you like me, or even more frightening, like me for real reasons. I don’t really know what these “real reasons” are that I speak of, because ultimately I don’t know much at all about this whole romantic dating thing. I guess I mean when you say that you like me do you mean you like hanging out with me? Do you mean we both go for brunch and talk about anything that comes into our minds to find our similarities?
Or do you mean that despite the fact that I'm insecure and I don’t know what I want and I like both Fairytale and Realist equally and send annoying texts that always feature my random day and wear my heart on the internet you still like me, in a push-me-away-all-you-want, play-hot-and-cold, I-don’t-care-because-I-know-you’re-the-one-for-me kind of way?
Because if you like me like that, I need to know. Because if you like me like that, despite all of these things that are wrong with me or make little sense, I need to know. Especially if you almost fall for me because of them.
Because that, as far as I understand it, is real feeling. I don’t think that anyone has ever like me the way you did and I don’t even know yet whether or not you do; after me telling you countless times that I didn't want just a hook-up and to come back to me if you wanted something real, after me shooting you down when you did, after you telling me that I was the only one you wanted to be with and that you’d wait for me for a year while I disappeared to the developing world, after me pushing you away yet again and telling you that there was someone else, and after you still coming back for me, I’m starting to wonder if you do actually like me like that.
I’m starting to wonder if I’m in some uncharacteristically realistic romantic comedy or tragedy (we haven’t decided yet) and the entire audience is yelling at the screen telling me to get my goddamn act together. I’m starting to wonder if I’m going to look back at my life and have to think “well, you had a guy who you were really attracted to, who like you, who fought for you, who was incredibly smart, who would talk about the world with you, who wanted to watch all your Disney movies with you, who would have taken you to the end of the world even though he didn’t want to go, who would have hire an author to tell you how he felt if it meant you would have given him a real shot, who wanted to watch sunsets on rooftops and cuddle while listening to your favorite music and would have wanted to do all of those even though they’re cheesy and romantic just because he wanted to be your boyfriend, and he knew that those were the requirements. You had a guy who wanted to commit to you, who wanted to prioritize you, and never hesitated to tell you. You had a guy who likes you, and you were too scared to give him a shot.
I don’t want to look back and think that. Ever, about anyone.
And so I pose my original question. Do you like me? No, do you really like me? Do you like me despite the number of times I’ve hesitated when it comes to my heart? Do you like me despite how terrified of being loved I am? Do you like me in spite of me?
And if you do, will you tell me about it? Because if you really like me, in a like-me-on-raining-Monday, like-me-when-I’m-being-impossible, like-me-more-because-of-everything-you-know-about-me kind of way. I need to know.