Some days I’ll only show it to you. I’ll stare at my phone hoping a message of you would come in sooner. I’ll ask you to give me a lift so that we can hang on a little longer. I don’t care if I really like driving, I just want to be with you.
Some days I won’t talk to you all day. Maybe I’ll send you a picture of a random thing I am doing, or the food I'm eating, just to keep you a part of my day – despite the distance, I want you to know even the most random thing through the day. Sometimes I won’t even do that much. I won’t want to show you how normally my days are going, when really all that’s on my mind is the thought of you and what you might be doing too. And you’ll think I'm moving on. You’ll think I've forgotten about you. But everyday I fall asleep with those little memories flashing over my mind of you. I don’t think I could ever forget you.
Some days I’ll text you really random things. You’ll think I'm being distant; you’ll think I'm just making small talk. But honestly, I just want to tell you even the smallest parts of my days. I just want you to know everything about my life, every opinion I have, even if it all seems as insignificant as how my staff’s family goes on a vacation or how sleepy I get when it comes to the late afternoon.
Some days I’ll write you letter. Because I’ll be feeling too much with no way to express it. I’ll go through the week wondering if I should send it, and if I should let you read it 10 years down the road. Some day I’ll wonder if maybe I should stop, maybe I’ll never let you read them. But I’ll continue anyways, in hope that one day we could both read them when we are old and cranky. Somedays, I’ll just tell you. My fingers will hesitate over the keyboard. My thumbs will write out words, configured into sentences, trying to phrase my feelings in the best manner possible – maybe there will come a day when I won’t feel guilty for telling you such things. Maybe there will come a day when I won’t feel like I'm suffocating and drowning you in my love.
And you. You will probably go through each day thinking I don’t love you. You will probably feel like you’re annoying me every time you send me a message, every time you call. You don’t know that every day I keep my phone charged with me at 100% just so that I can reply you message instantly. You probably think you’re suffocating me. You probably think you should let me go, let me be free. Or maybe I should let you go, let you be free. But I'm selfish. So unbelievably selfish I am willing to break myself, break you, break the people around us, in order to keep you with me.
This is how I love you – like a confused mess who has no idea what she’s doing. I don’t know what the future holds. But right now, I’ll crave for you and I hope you’ll feel the same way too. That is how I love you.