We never officially dated. Not really, anyway. Sure, we went on a handful of cute dates over the course of a month or two. Sure, I remember the unadulterated joy I’d felt every morning when I woke up to a text from you. And sure I remember the electricity I’d felt when you put your hand around my waist. But we never officially dated. Because after that handful of dates, you pulled away. I was okay with it – he’ll come back, I thought. He just needs space. We had perhaps been texting too much – always initiated by you, I might add – and I could do with some space myself.
Yet after over the weekend of barely hearing from you and your next reply could be up to 24 hours later, I wanted to ask what happen? I’ll never understand what happened – I know I did nothing wrong – perhaps the cupid decides to take the crush away from you. Because while I knew I wanted more, everything decides to fall apart.
I don’t want to stay “friends”, I want it to be back to how it all begins, but I told myself that’s just how your life always turn out to be and “we almost dated” might be the weirdest type of friendship one can have with someone, but I’d be damned it it didn't feel right.
Don’t get me wrong; I am not mad at you. I just doubt myself that why couldn't I get out of the routine of moving in to a relationship with someone. And I’d be lying if I said you didn't cross my mind from every single song that’s been shuffle on the radio. I’d be lying if I said you weren't my 3 AM thoughts. I’d be lying if I said every time my phone buzzes, I don’t secretly hope it’s you. And I’d be lying if I said I didn't want you in my life on some level.
I’m not sure how long I will have to be stuck in this time until I'm capable to love and feel again. Because while I've started chatting with random guys, I need to stop subconsciously comparing them to you. I need to stop feeling insane, insecure and irrational all at once. But most of all, I need to let myself be happy again. So, I’m sorry that I’ve stopped putting you apart of my life. I hope you understand that it’s just something I needed to do to move on as you so clearly have from me. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t still hope that sometimes you wander about me.
