A part of me thought that I was ready to love; I want to find someone who I can call my own. I want to find the person who makes me feel like I found the piece of me I didn't even know was missing. I want to find someone to come home to at the end of a long day and someone to take road trips and vacations with. I want to spend time with someone and enjoy it, not have it feel like a chore. That's how I know I'm not ready.
As much as I want all that I'm not ready, not even close. I can try to find comfort hiding behind a phone talking to random guys on the Internet. I can try to fill an emptiness inside me looking for the perfect match that doesn't exist on the lonely days. The days where my mind endlessly wanders and I am constantly inflicting my own pain. Some days I feel like I'm drowning in my own emotions. Some days I feel like being single is suffocating me and that I can't escape the thoughts that I'm going to die alone. I can't escape the thought of never getting married and settling down. I can't escape the thoughts that no one wants me, that no one will ever want me. I can't quiet down the voices in my head that make me feel worthless.
Yet even on my loneliest days, deep down I know being with someone wouldn't make me any happier. It only made me feel suffocated and limited, it would make me feel like I'm letting myself down and my dreams. I know a relationship doesn't strip away your freedom and independence, but I'm not ready to sacrifice my alone time, my travel time, my work time and my complete independence. I'm not ready to give it all up just yet. I don't want to force a relationship that isn't there out of loneliness. I don't want to try to make connection or make a fool of myself putting myself out there when love isn't even what I want.
I'll always love the idea of being in love, I'll always love other people's love especially the good relationships. I'll always love a fairy tale ending and romantic movies. I'll always love weddings and never get sick of love songs. I'll always love everything that is involved with love, but I don't love it for myself, not yet anyway.
Maybe one day soon I'll wake up and realize this is it, I've done everything I've wanted to on my own. Maybe I'll realize I've hit every country I wanted to go to alone. Maybe I'll realize my life isn't fulfilling anymore on my own. Maybe I'll realize it's time to slow down and establish some roots. Maybe it'll be next week, maybe it'll be in 10 years, maybe this day will never come.
All I know right now is no matter how much I love the idea of love, I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready to slow down, I'm not ready to settle down and establish roots. The soles on my shoes still got another million miles to go on their own.
