I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time trying to win my heart and I’m glad you’ve learn to move on from me. I love seeing you getting attached or married, because if you’re falling for me, you might be still stuck with “I’ve no idea where this love life is going”. I’m sorry if I accidentally give out the wrong message that triggers your interest in me, but I’m just being kind to reply on the messages on my phone. Once I sense your interest in me, I would slowly withdraw to let you know that.
However, guys, as much as I claim to love being single, a small part of me longs for a relationship. There are things that nobody would understand why I keep turning down ‘potential relationship’, but deep inside there are reason(s) why and it isn’t holding on to any impossible little hope.
Firstly, to me, being together with someone I’m not in love with is a burden and it feels suffocating. And all these time I thought that if it felt right, it will work out well. But as soon as it felt right, things still did not turn out well because I realized relationship isn’t just about feel. Relationship is more than just a feel or giving in to each other. It is a responsibility. It has a lot to do with respecting the feelings and sentiments, the kind of person they are, where they came from, what is their history, what dreams do they dream and what makes them the person they are. Most importantly, it’s about learning to be strong and gentle at the same time.
And I don’t know anything about it yet. I don’t know what brings tears in a relationship; I don’t know what makes the laughter loud. I don’t know what makes my heart freaks out, what the day-to-day challenges are and what keeps it going after a hard day of work. Yet, even after trying to understand what my heart beats for, I realize I’m not ready for relationship. I do not want to feel the connection, the emotions of being attached to another human being. I do not doubt the intensity of feelings. Still, love is more than feelings. Love is courage. Love is being vulnerable. Love is action.
Maybe I am being too idealistic, but love knows with a deep sense of wisdom that holds you together than anything which can break you apart. And I am not courageous enough to love with an open heart. I am not strong enough to take myself up after giving someone the power to destroy me.