All the memories of my ‘almost-relationship’ will come flooding back to me. I will remember on how those conversations seems to flow on so effortlessly; the jokes, the laughters, the topics we discuss. I was certain in the beginning that I would not fall in love with a random stranger. But everything changed as the night got darker. I was not expecting for something to happen but then he came. He became the destruction to my equilibrium. He became the storm and thunder and lightning to my peaceful day. He became the drug to my system. He was an addiction.
We talked, told out stories, histories behind our names. I was having fun, not noticing I was taking down my wall for him without asking me to and left it open for him to come in. But he did not… he stepped his foot in and nothing else. He kept that door open without intending to risk coming in at all. I was mad; I was frustrated. I trusted myself to start trusting someone else again and I fell. He made me smile, he gave me hugs, he says goodnight until it became a routine. He became a part of my day; he became the largest piece of my puzzled day. But I was nothing but an edge for him; just someone to talk to.
I tried to talk my way out of the situation; I tried to pushed him off and distance myself but everytime I see him, there was like a magnetic force that will pull me closer to him. He smoothly puts a smile on my face every single time. I could not read him entirely; some days he was mad; most days he was fine. In the beginning, he would sound happy and excited to talk to me; but as I fall deeper, he would kill me waiting for a single message. I could not understand what he really wants.
We spent hours on the phone before we call it a day. Yet all of these meant nothing, and all was just normal and ordinary for him. I was nobody, not even a friend. After all, he already found his princess. He already found his princess he would build his castle and kingdom with. A princess unlike me who would work on my own to tear my walls down for someone who did not ask me to in the first place. He already found his princess who worked effortlessly to be noticed by him. A princess unlike me who made a fool out of myself jumping in a pond for a kiss with a poisonous frog. He already found his princess. A princess who is not me.
I am alright, because I wouldn’t beg for someone love. Yet, I know that deep inside me, I am still unfit to love, I’ve yet to learn how to open up again, and I feel really sorry for all the other guys who has been trying to impress me, who is trying to win my heart. I am sorry that I did not take in your effort even after trying to fly in 300 kilometers just to date me. I am sorry for those late responses for the text messages. I think I’ll never know when this heart is going to stop bleeding, so I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time trying to win my heart.
Lastly, I hope all of you find yourself another Valentine’s Date because being single is no longer a choice I made but my way of life.