You are a great guy, something more than perfect. But I wasn't ready for commitment with you. I wasn't ready to compromise. I wasn't ready to let myself be vulnerable to hurt. I kept trying to find things to freak out. Every little thing I tried to make them turn against you. But they were shallow, they were irrelevant, I would judge your action, just to find something to make myself hate you. I wasn't ready, yet I still want you to keep trying for me. Some days I try to convince myself to accept the changes of having someone close to me. On most days, I just freak out and my brain just stop working. And other days I never know how to be around you.
You proclaim you've grow fond of me, and sometimes I love the way you try. But other days your desperation pushes me away. Why do I do this? Why can't I make up my mind!? I keep blaming everything around me, but it's really just me. I close myself off to change. I hate change, but sometimes I hate how my life remains constantly in this motion, it's boring. I kept you waiting. I want to tell you to move on to someone else. My feelings towards you will remain from a distance.
But even then - especially then - I cheat myself. It's frustrating at times though - being happy single - like it's an odd disease. People around you think that you're just a little salty from your past relationships. And explaining yourself will just seem to prove them right even more. Even if you're not. Maybe my life doesn't make a plot as great as Cinderella. Maybe my life would make a crappy movie. But I don't want those kinds of plot to a happily ever after just because everyone feel it's the perfect love story - or even one that I need now.
Falling in love is not an idea that appeals to me. Because falling means you have no idea where you'll land or how difficult it would be to climb up again. You'll get bruises and scars and injuries and you'll never know if there would be someone to put you back together or see your flaws and perfect. How can you love someone wholly if you can't love yourself completely? So this is me, telling myself that I don't care. This is me acting all grown up in this quarter life phase. This is me using my mind over my heart on each possible suitor. This is me cheating how I feel.
Locking it up, placing walls, making the glorious idea of love hidden deep in me. I don't want to be attached to anyone, not just in a sense of sexual relationships, but adding any more friends than what I have now will make me think that it's okay to take risks in letting people in my life. I'm a work in progress, and so long as I'm not done with being content with myself. I want to cheat how I feel and figure out what I want, what I don't, what I want to do, where I'm heading and what kind of person I want to be with for the rest of my life. I want to cheat how I feel until I figure out how to set my life piece by piece to its right place before making myself part of someone else's life.
I need to know I'm complete as myself before I can let myself fall in love - if that's the phrase everyone uses. I used to assure myself that I've traveled enough, or made enough mistakes, or got to the height of my career before I can allow myself to trust anyone to come into my life - before I trust anyone to come into my life - and possibly ruin it. But I won't break down even then, because I know I'm complete as I am. And when I am ready, when I am done cheating, I know it'll be perfect. It'll be at the perfect time, with the perfectly imperfect person and the perfect reason. But right now, I'm just not ready.
