I shouldn't have so much to think for the past weeks. But that's been the usual. I think because I need an answer, it gives me a reason to feel a little alive, a little more responsible. And when I wake in the pale grey morning, full of aches and sweat and dread, I return to an absence in myself I can't describe. One that's taken the place of contentment, happiness, purpose. I put on some music and withdraw myself from the world. I think of the words "I am" followed by a period and not an ellipsis waiting for a second part to the sentence. I am. I am. But am I?
The wonderings in my life had been so chronic lately. I kept thinking that if things had done according to plan I wouldn't be here. I'd be doing something proper, working on something that meant something, loving a real person, making plans. Yeah, all that, but my walls are so high up, I wanted to stay in the blankets for the rest of the time. I look around, so bored but also relieved to have nothing to do. I don't feel like doing anything. I try to think about where it all went wrong when time decided to go against me. I do not know. I should be fixing things up - in life!
Sometimes, I resent my heart invests so deeply. I'm upset that I can't just walk away. Having a messy heart means you stay up late remembering moments from an entire forever ago. It's beating yourself up for not fixing everything. It's searching for ways you could have made it right. It's looking and looking and trying and trying and not really getting anywhere. It's hard. It's hard when you can't disconnect. It's hard being obsessed with everything turning out okay when part of you knows that's never going to be a reality.
The thing about me is, I don't have it all figured out.. I'm a mess. Halfway through my twenties and always in a rush for things. It isn't funny anymore, I'm a functioning adult responsible over my own life. Every year I promise I would find more courage to be myself, every New Year's resolution has been brought forward to the next; but sometimes flaws talk so loudly that just existing causes me enough pain.