I never got to know him with all of his imperfections, and I never got the chance to grow tired of him. And I always idealized him, because he was always so distant and unreachable. He was always a mystery for me and that is why I had enough space to picture him as perfectly as I liked.
We
were told that we can’t lose something we never had; but what do they know?
They have never been in a situation when they were afraid of losing someone who
was never theirs nor did they face the pain after it had happened. They will
never understand how you are going to spend the rest of your life feeling that
this person slipped right from your arms while you were holding so tight to
him. The feeling like he never existed, leaving a bitter taste in the back of
the throat.
Years
have passed since he left, and although sometimes I think I am forgetting his
face and sound of his voice, I can still feel him burning in the back of my
throat. I keep thinking what could have between us, how we could have lived our
lives if he had stayed. I think it’s because I never had him completely. I
never got to know him with all of his imperfections, and I never got the chance
to grow tired of him. And I always idealized him, because he was always so
distant and unreachable. He was always a mystery for me and that is why I had
enough space to picture him as perfectly as I liked. My reasons know I am probably enchanted by the idea of the man, than by
the man himself, but my heart can’t understand it.
When
you end a long-term relationship, we were told to get rid of all the photos, to
throw away anything that could possibly remind you of him. Everyone will tell
me to stay away from memories, and the places we’ve been together. But I don’t have anything of his, I don’t
even have a photo of us, I don’t even have his drunken texts. He was like
that, inexplicable to everyone. He would just appear in my life out of nowhere
and disappear in the same way. Sometimes I even wonder if he even existed, or I
just imagined him. He seems so unreal that sometimes I think everything that
happened was just a dream.
The
last time he left, in the beginning I acted like he will appear any moment. And
I waited, desperate for his love. But years have passed by and he never came
back. And I never moved on and have never let him go. Of course, I met other
guys, most of them were great, some of them were less great, but not one
managed to amaze me the way he did. And sometimes, I think I am losing my mind
because from time to time I feel like he’s thinking of me too and like he
misses me as well.
I
was told that time heals all wounds, but what happened if there’s no wound.
This pain is something that I had learned to live with and embraced it as a
part of who I am. It taught me a lot, beginning with the fact to never to
attach to emotionally unavailable men, because it can only lead to tears. It
helped me realized how much it can hurt when you lose someone who was never
even yours.