I’ve searched for it endlessly, I’ve risk
everything I had, I have tried putting myself out there completely, but the
truth is I am still unable to love because I am not ready to accept it. I can
make someone feel incredible. I can hold their hand when they’re feeling down, I
can pull them close when they want a hug. I can stay up all night talking to
them and feel completely exhausted but still not want to go to bed. I can let
all of these wonderful things to happen but I still wouldn’t be able to feel.
I am not sure if it’s possible to
simultaneously willing to give love and not willing to receive it. And the
reason we’re not willing to receive it is because I don’t think I deserve it. I
was somehow convinced that I’m not worthy of love. Even though I’ve persuaded
countless of time, I still don’t think love is something I deserve.
And since I couldn’t accept love, I give
to them until nothing has been left yet I wonder why they withdraw from me so
quickly. How could they leave you after you emptied yourself into them? Real
love isn’t meant to empty you. Real love is meant to fill you with all of the
things that are different from the bits and pieces of yourself you’ve given
away. It doesn’t fill you entirely but it fills you with the things you didn’t
already have. The truth, however, is I have to be willing to let it all in.