The alarm goes off, waking me from the
night of tossing and turning. I put on the most casual outfit and put up the hair
band to make sure the fringe doesn’t distract my eyes. I put on that smile,
hoping to hide my exhaustion. I look in the mirror and feel so ugly, I want to
cry but I know I don’t have time; so I convince myself everything is good and
we should get going.
I drive to work, half asleep, and say
Good Morning to everyone I see from the door with a charming smile that
deceives myself into thinking I am okay. It even surprises me how well I could
mask them with smiles and friendly greetings. I do my work, but my mind is
elsewhere. My thoughts are all over the place, I can’t think straight. I want
to be back in bed, curled up, hiding from the world. I just want to hibernate
from the world.
I want to be by myself, in my own world
but I don’t really want to be alone… not really. I want someone to tell me that
it’s okay, that I’ll be okay, but nobody knows how I mask this sorrow in me. I
have masked it too well for anyone to even begin with. I want to go for dinner
after work but I’m just too worn out from faking smiles and pretending to be
okay all day. I don’t have it in me to make small talk when all it ever feels
like the world is closing down onto me.
When I get home after work, I don’t know
what to do with myself. I feel like I should do something meaningful or
productive, I just feel overly tired. When it’s finally time to get ready for
bed, I stand in front of the bathroom mirror once more catching a glimpse of
myself in the mirror. I barely recognize the girl starring back inside. I
barely know her anymore. I’m sad… and I
don’t know why anymore.
I know I want to get in bed, even though
I know I won’t fall asleep so soon. I will look out of the windows at all the
street lights blinking; and how they all shine brightly against the dark sky. I
remind myself that another day has gone by, and that today was just one
day. And one day doesn’t mean a
bad life. A bad month doesn’t mean a bad life. So take it day by day or
even hour by hour and be gentle with myself. I convince myself that things will
be better, so in the meantime be proud of myself, I made it through the day.