I try to be happy as much as I can. I
have a lot to be grateful for and I try not to lose sight of it. But when it
comes to the night when I shut the door, when the lights get dark and when
everyone else is asleep; trying to keep that happiness is a struggle. Every
night you just want to breakdown on the floor and I can’t keep that happiness
anymore. Sadness is not my feeling or emotion of first-choice but I also think
in many ways, sadness is an inevitable feeling.
I’ve never been really good at expressing
sadness. I can express happiness, anger, frustration but sadness has always
been a weakness of mine. It always seemed like something dark and dangerous
that if I linger a little too long, it wouldn’t leave. Still, I have been sad
because sadness is a part of life, but I never quite knew what to do with it.
Most of the time, I would try to keep myself busy and ignore it so that it
could pass by me. I wouldn’t want to think about it or feel it or get to know
it. I just wanted it to pass and to choose happiness again.
I don’t talk about feelings, especially
my feelings. The only time I could really express those feelings is when I
write. When I write, I discover a part of me that I never thought words could
describe. But in this moment, I may seems happy but just like onions when you
open up layers and layers of me, you will start crying and wonder why you are sad
but never really knowing the reason behind the sadness.