I wish I could turn on my emotions so
that I could finally feel okay again. But
experiencing numbness is just as horrible as feeling too much. I questioned
myself that night after having dinner with him; I suddenly recall the day
before where I have had a very horribly bad and exhausted day. I recall that
moment where my back is breaking apart and I wish someone could just magically
transport me to where I am driving to; the weather was bad, one part of my sweep
broke apart, the trees fell off right before I drove pass right in the middle
of the road, and the jam was absolutely draining all the energy.
I question myself on why I never wanted
to rant my day over to someone. I sat by the room windows looking into my
journal, it was scribbled in it on the yesterday’s story but I look into my
phone at our conversation and I couldn’t find one word that came out from me.
And we were having conversations continuously but I couldn’t find my desire to
want to rant my days with anyone. I know I’m blessed enough to be surrounded by
people who cares, who wants to be part of my mental health days.
But I wouldn’t understand why I never
felt like ranting my days over to anyone than my journal. I guess I have come to the point
that feeling numbness is the one and only way to save myself.