My feelings about relationship are all
about inconsistency. I never know whether I would wake up today with a
distracted feeling that I would get pissed on everything I see. I never know
when my fingers would feel like getting back on the text; two minutes, two days
or two weeks. I never know whether I am going to follow through the promises of
seeing me over the weekend; whether I am going to reschedule or whether my work
would pop up in front of me that very last second.
Basically, I have put relationship as my
last priority; I’m sorry I’ve been denying your date for a long time or
that I want to continue to be that invisible person. I know I shouldn’t be
someone inconsistent, someone that needs to be continuously guessed, someone
who is still unsure on where I should stand. Relationships has always put me
into situation where I never have any idea what kind of mood I am in and what
kind of role I am going to play in your world on any particular day.
I know I shouldn’t be that bitch in a
relationship where there’s no trust in between, someone who does not hop
between emotions. I know I shouldn't treat someone hot and cold at the same time
but I’ve been trying really hard. I kept trying and trying and hoping today is
one of the days when I could actually pay attention to you. I don’t want to be
all about inconsistencies in your chapter; and I don’t want you to have pieces
of me together. I want to be real with people, I want to be real about
feelings, most importantly, I want to be real to myself.
I want to show up to someone every single
time without having ten thousand thoughts and feelings going through my head. I
don’t want to wonder whether I am ready to show up for the date or take one
whole day to reply a text that only took me a minute to type. I don’t want to
wonder whether I actually care. I just want you to look for someone who is
consistent, who is excited to see you all the time. Someone who has the heart
as whole instead of pieces; someone who does not tremble when she hands you the
key to her padlock heart. You deserve someone who is consistent, who is easier to love.