I’ve had my heart broken few times throughout my life, and
I believe we all do. Most of us learn very young that the world isn’t too much
of a kind place but I would also want to remind myself it won’t always be like
this. I remind myself every night that I don’t want to close myself off only to
miss the opportunity to find the right one. But each time, I only come back
more wounded, chipping away my capacity to love.
I used to believe in love whole-heartedly, I believe that
fairytale dream will come true and I could have a Happily Ever After when I meet the right one, but I met the first
one, second one, third one and these guys has changed me in every way. They
took me on a roller-coaster ride of surprises and happiness, joy and laughter,
and they took off my insecurities and let my heart out to doubt; little did I know that my biggest regret
will forever be letting out my heart to trust.
I never really know how to open up my heart to trust but
when they left I spend countless hours, days, months and years wondering what I
could’ve done differently to make them stay. I wasn’t good enough, I never was.
I never was good enough for relationships, I never was good enough for my
family, I never was good enough for anything. I’ll tell people to open their
heart to love whole-heartedly, but I don’t. In my head, I know I don’t believe
any of these anymore, and everything was my fault.
I know it’s impossible for me to open up to someone again,
and I’ve tried. So when you tell me you’re falling for me, I’m sorry if I push
away. When you try to ask me out, I’m sorry I stuck you behind my schedule. It’s
hard for me to be out there whole-heartedly with the broken pieces living
inside of me. I wish I could take back the innocence before I fell, but I am
just ruined and damaged.
I’m sorry I became someone I never wanted to be.