I'm not feeling anymore

Lately, I’ve been staying away from everything that makes me feel something because I realized that my feelings always get me in trouble. They’re impulsive and illogical and most of the time they left me in the dark. The leave me lonely, hurt and wounded. I’m now afraid of my own feelings. I use to trust them a-lot, my own thoughts, my six sense but life have left me bruised and in pain rather than happy and healthy. Life has left me defeated, confused and self-doubt after all these time.

I’m starting to neglect on my own feelings now because every time I follow it, I got lost; and everytime I thought I understood them, they fooled me instead. I just don’t seems to know how to feel anymore. I don’t know how to infuse color into a dull day or jump out of bed and seize the hell out of it. I don’t know how to run with my emotions and see where they take me. I’m losing the sense of adventure. I’m losing the courage to take risks.

I stopped expressing myself, my feelings and my thoughts because they just seem so irrelevant in this world. I stopped being the one who says it all and throws caution to the wind and lives like there’s no tomorrow because when tomorrow comes, I find myself waking up alone in tears regretting everything my feelings led me to do. Wanting to take it all back. Wishing I could feel nothing at all.

But I’ve been forcing myself not to feel because it’s better than forcing myself to forget the pain they caused me.