Happy and Depressed

Being happy and trying to be an optimistic person with depression is a strange combination. Because people assume that we can’t laugh, smile and/or enjoy ourselves, yet depression can be very invasive, most of the time, it just creeps up to me on my happiest reminding me that there’s a line of problems at the back waiting for me to solve, and I’ve to constantly remind myself that it’s possible to be a happy person with depression.   

I am a naturally sad person. No matter how much fun I may be having, or how happy I may feel, there is a permanent sadness lingering at the back of my mind. But I’ve learned to live with it. I’ve also come to terms with the fact that I will never feel as blissful as I once did before reality hit me hard on my face. I will always know too much, feel too much and hurt too much.

I don’t like feeling sad, and I don’t want to let other people witness me in this situation, I learned that depression is contagious therefore there is a really fucked up, dark side of me that I would never let anyone come close to. It’s a constant war between my mind and my thoughts and it just feels like as though I am constantly losing it.

But I also learned that the world is also a beautiful yet hauntingly dark place. So I can learned to live with it.