I watch happy couples around me being affectionate to each
other because that’s all single people see, right? The problem with me is I
want to fall in love, but I’m absolutely terrified of it. I’m terrified of the
commitment. I’m terrified of the emotional breakdown I might face when they
leave again. I’m terrified that I would grow to rely on another person. I
enjoyed being single after all these time, I don’t have to check in with
another human or worry whether he’s enjoying my company or not. Yet on some nights, it just closes down to
me. I just can’t outrun the sting of loneliness and that’s hard to swallow.
It’s even harder
knowing that I am my own problem. I know I am standing in my own way. I
find no good reason that someone would look at me seriously and want to be with
me for the rest of my lives. Those feelings of self-doubt are real because I’m so used to being the girl who is
overlooked. I can’t see how someone would be attracted to me with all my
weird, quirky traits and proud to call me theirs. But I would love it! I really do
want to find someone to call my own, someone whom I would learn to open up once
again.
Instead, I only allow loneliness to make a home on my
shoulder and continue to whisper to my heart that we’ve learned to live alone
all these time. I think I’ve accepted the fact that I’m the type of girl that
would live by an old apartment alone 30 years down the road. So I continued to distance myself, I kept my
heart guarded because I don’t want to allow myself to break my own heart by
giving myself false hopes.