I am afraid to fall in love; on most nights I want it so
badly that I had to break my own heart all over again so I don’t raise up any
hopes on love. I’m left with a feeling of emptiness inside my chest and all I
can do is kick myself over it. It shakes me to my core and makes me feel like
loneliness is just destined to live inside of me forever and I’ll never be good
enough.
I watch happy couples around me being affectionate to each
other because that’s all single people see, right? The problem with me is I
want to fall in love, but I’m absolutely terrified of it. I’m terrified of the
commitment. I’m terrified of the emotional breakdown I might face when they
leave again. I’m terrified that I would grow to rely on another person. I
enjoyed being single after all these time, I don’t have to check in with
another human or worry whether he’s enjoying my company or not. Yet on some nights, it just closes down to
me. I just can’t outrun the sting of loneliness and that’s hard to swallow.
It’s even harder
knowing that I am my own problem. I know I am standing in my own way. I
find no good reason that someone would look at me seriously and want to be with
me for the rest of my lives. Those feelings of self-doubt are real because I’m so used to being the girl who is
overlooked. I can’t see how someone would be attracted to me with all my
weird, quirky traits and proud to call me theirs. But I would love it! I really do
want to find someone to call my own, someone whom I would learn to open up once
again.
Instead, I only allow loneliness to make a home on my
shoulder and continue to whisper to my heart that we’ve learned to live alone
all these time. I think I’ve accepted the fact that I’m the type of girl that
would live by an old apartment alone 30 years down the road. So I continued to distance myself, I kept my
heart guarded because I don’t want to allow myself to break my own heart by
giving myself false hopes.