All the maturity goes down the drain when I confront myself
honestly about what I believe and what I deserve in a relationship and my life.
I am simply too terrified to even be out
of my shell, to truly… try. If I refuse to open up my heart and allow
complete vulnerability with another human being, I would never truly get hurt,
right?
I’ve been this way my entire life. No matter how much I may
evolve and develop in the personal realm, that work inevitably shows massive
gaps when it comes to applying my growth to everyday existence. Even though I
constantly urge myself to get over this feeling and leap for the heights, it
just falls deeper back into the shell. If I love deeply, then I can be deeply
hurt, I’m afraid, the fear still wins. If I’m always near the bottom, then I
can’t fall too hard. It may sound
pathetic, but it’s oddly comforting. I know I will never live my fullest life
unless I am willing to open up myself and be willing to let someone in, but
after all the fall, I simply never had the courage to open up again.