I’m not sure if this is part of
depression, but I don’t look forward for
my birthday anymore – not only because I’m growing older and freaking out
over all of the things I have failed and the things I’ve yet to accomplish
and/or I have yet to reach my fullest potential and/or I should have done more
by this age where everyone is already up to something.
I felt like every single year, I would end
up disappointed. Birthdays reminded me on how lonely I get where I can have
5,000 friends on Facebook but none of them were on the list to celebrate this
day with me. Birthday should be that one time of the year people should feel
love – but the opposite happens. It
makes me feel even more alone, more of an outcast, like there isn’t anyone who
really cares.
My birthday is my annual reminder that I
care about most people who doesn’t think about me. My depression usually gets
worse around my Birthday because I feel like I’m supposed to be doing something
about it to celebrate my existence. But I try to set plans anyway and even if I
have had people willing to spend the day or night with me, I become anxious in
different ways. The idea of people singing to me around a cake makes me anxious,
I don’t want to be the center of attention!
My depression eats me inside out worse on
this day because it’s that one time of the year when I tries to have a good time, but no one is there to make this day special.
