I Want Love But I’m Terrified Of It

Photo Credit: Sharkman Photography

There’s something wrong with me lately, I’ve been craving to love someone. I look around me to see if there is anyone around me that has impressed me to raise up such feelings. On most nights, this feel brought tears and hurt to my heart because the deeper I try to find the feel the more empty I find my life to be. Those feeling shakes me to my core and makes me feel like loneliness is just hanging around my shoulder whispering in my ear that I’m not good enough.

The problem with me is I want love, but I’m absolutely terrified of it. I’m scared of the commitment; I’m scared of the permanence and the reliance on another person. I thought I have already made the decision to be single for the rest of my life and not rely on another human being. I thought I enjoyed not having to check in with another human and just enjoy the freedom of not being attached. But it has been raining every night lately, and suddenly I begin to crave for someone to hug and cuddle to.  

I watch videos and read strangers' blog just so I could close my eyes and let my imagination run a little more wild. Sometimes I read sad stories so I could have the feeling of cuddliness stronger until I open my eyes only to see the wet pillow. I think I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not the type of girl who could deserve someone to love and cuddle in the dark. And every morning I remind myself to keep a distance for anyone who tries to come close and to keep my heart guarded so I do not raise any false hopes.

I think love has become one of my greatest fear and I don’t know if I would have the chance to overcome this lifetime. As much as I want love, I’m absolutely terrified of it.