I
don’t recall myself as someone who falls in love way too easily, I always have ten
thousand things going on in my mind telling me that I do not deserve the good
stuffs. And with a strange sense of
guilt, and the thoughts that wouldn’t shut up, I always end up ruining
everything before it even begin.
I
find myself falling in love while feeling a strange mixture of hope and dread.
Hope – that I could finally have someone that I could talk with, someone I
could depend on, someone I could trust, someone who will shower me with some
optimism about life when I feel trapped and suffocated in my own thoughts. Yet
I dread – that maybe I will never be good enough, that I don’t deserve this,
that all the good moments might shattered and push me back into darkness.
I learned
that I appreciates the big stuff but what makes falls deeper are the little
moments. I fall a little more with the reassuring conversations, the quiet
moment we get to spend together, the conversation we get to speak so openly. I
fall deeper into the little things because it’s them that makes me feel like I’m
dating someone reality and that I do not have to wake up one day only to know
that it’s only a fairytale story and I would have to make my way back to
reality myself.
I
might have anxiety, but I fall in love intensely,
vulnerably and wholly. I just need a little more time and reassurance to
open my heart and believe that I truly deserve to have you.
