Depression Is Getting The Best Of Me

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The sun keeps rising and setting, the traffic keeps passing through in the most unrelenting way, the clouds roll by, the holidays happen. Everyone talks about how they can’t believe the movement control order to stay home is almost over. And I smile behind as if I’m just as excited that things are finally going to be back to normal. But really, if I’m being truly honest, I’d admit that I want this to go on forever so that I do not have to go back to reality. I’ve lost track of the days and the nights because instead of being individual sunrises and sunsets, it’s just another day for me fighting against the shit thrown on me and the depression that’s trying to eat me alive.

And instead of fighting, instead of feeling like a challenge, I’m just tired and my back just tend to break apart every night that I can no longer stand on my feet. I need to be lay down after every hour where the ache just creeps in. Too many times I’ve just lain in bed avoiding any and every responsibility. I don’t know when was the last hour I checked my phone message, it’s probably overflowing with notifications.

I look out of the window on the empty streets that used to be filled with traffic, I don’t have to put down the curtain to fill the silence anymore, the world has been quiet for a long time and I sit alone until there are no more sunlight, till the room is dark. People described depression as the feeling of homesickness, but I’m home so there’s way to satiate the feeling. It’s looking back at your sketch book to find only broken hearts and broken ribs. I want to paint something that looks happy too, but the fingers always end with something gloomy.

It’s feeling like the same bland, sad, boring version of myself day after day and just wondering if this is how the rest of my life will be. So even though I got up this morning and felt like nothing was different, I feel like I’ve accepted that I will never be happy again, I got up. And I will do the same tomorrow, or next month, I will get up and hope that one day happiness will find me again.