I’ve
always known I am not a hopeless romantic, I’m terrified and I’ve built up
walls because I am scared. I am often jealous of people who can wear their
heart on the sleeve, that falling in love require no effort at all. I wonder if
I can ever be that way. But each time I
try to walk into a new relationship, my mind would calculate the ten thousand
risk of being broken again, and that opening up to another person – that is not
something I’ve really done in this lifetime.
I
pride myself to being a very outgoing and social person who dares to try new
things, one who dares to go adventures, who take challenges on new situations
but when it comes to having someone close to my heart, I am always cautious,
guarded. I’m scared that someone would walk out of the door the minute they saw
someone who they think is better, and they would leave me in the middle of the
story again. And, each time it comes to relationship, it just feel like I’m
gambling with my emotions and I am someone who rather play conservatively.
Sometimes,
it might feel like an uphill battle with me – initially – because it takes a
lot of persistence and patience for me to take down the walls. You might feel
like I’m pushing you away at times, but that’s not because I don’t like you, it
just means that my depression is taking over my mind, and I need sometime to
convince myself that not everyone that walks in my life is here to hurt me. If
I ever make you feel like you’re imperfect, know that it isn’t, give me some
time to open up again. I get lost in darkness all the time, and I hope you could
hold my hand through this, even if I’m hard to hold onto.
