Are you afraid to love? I have been
dodging being in a relationship for a long time, I find myself excuses that I
have not move on from my almost relationships and that my heart is not capable
to love without a closure from all the stories. But in the deepest night, the
question starts to seep into my brain and I looked at the source of the
question, and the more it simmered the more I started to realize that maybe I
was afraid of happiness.
I
remember that I was happy before I get push into darkness again, and that I was
afraid that I would have to gather all the broken pieces in me all over again
to get back into the light. I know that I should give my heart just one more chance and one more chance, instead
I ruined things before they even begin. I push people who tries to come close
to my heart and that I go on dates but I make sure I leave before I’ve
feelings. I became the villain in the story; as they say, villains are the princesses that were never saved.
But
really, it’s because I am a coward. I’m too much of a coward to let someone
love me again. I’m too much of a coward to start over one more time. I’m too
much of a coward to admit to failure again, to let my happiness slip away from
my fingers while holding on to it. Because
if I’m being honest, truly honest, I am completely and utterly terrified to be
happy. I’m so scared of someone actually showing an interest in me, I’m
scared that I’ll wake up every day excited to start my day, and that doesn’t
make sense to me. It’s a complete horror film to me that one day I could
actually be happy, be happy with someone presence.
And
that’s sad. It’s sad that I can admit that I am completely afraid to be in love
because of happiness. But I’m done being the villain and I still secretly hopes
that I could be the princess that was saved, so that I can believe in fairy-tale
again, so that I could believe in Happily Ever After.