I am always going to say “I’m fine”
because it is an easier way than explaining why I’m not. Yes, I am going
through something and I know putting them in words might get some of the emotions
off my chest, but that does not mean I can find the right words to it. Most of
the time, I would rather continue
masquerading as someone who has her shit together. Sometimes I feel like
the emotions in me are so insignificant that it shouldn’t even be relevant to
be raised up.
I thought I was strong, but in reality, I’m just too weak to even open up my emotions to someone. I am
afraid I will be too much to handle so I swallow the weight of my problems on
my own. I always simplified my problems to
tired, or anxiety or depressed because it’s easier than to get deeper into
my feelings. I will never be able to explain what not being okay feels like. I
will not even be able to list the reasons why I am not okay. My emotions are
not always tied with logic, and they don’t always make sense.
I’m always okay because I don’t want
to feel like I’m being interrogated of why I’m not. It’s easier just to mask
myself with a smile and put up the front of I’m doing perfectly fine and life
is going perfectly well. Because maybe, just maybe, if I mask myself enough, then it
will turn into a reality.