I have a few memories stored in my
brain like a time capsule that won’t ever turn off. But, little by little and
day by day, I forget the sensations, the
emotions, the knocking on my heart. I forget the little things that used to
make me glow. I forget the way my hands felt safe in someone else’s palms. I
forget the butterflies you get, the compliment someone gives, I forget how to
react to those little sweet talk.
Even though I’ve been in
relationships, I forget what it is like to be held, to feel comfort in having
someone close to my heart and body. I can’t remember what it feels like to let
someone kiss me so that I can whisper “I love you”. I am unsure if I don’t remember
it or I don’t want to remember it. But I don’t want to walk into a new
relationship carrying the baggage from the fail experiences from the past.
I do not only want to remember the
big moments, but also the tiny perfect little ones. I want to let down my
guards and compromise with someone, to structure my life around someone. I try
not to do things alone, like going to the cinema, or going for my favorite
meals. I want to learn how to share my likes and dislikes together,
compromising each other preferences. I have been going solo throughout all
these years that I don’t know what it is like to do things together as a couple.
I want to remember what it feels
like to believe in happy endings, to believe in the storybook ending that
everyone hopes and prays for. I don’t remember that version of me. The version that
smiled from ear to ear. The version of me that had no anxiety. The version of
me that looked at him and felt my heart skip a beat. The version of me that truly, truly knew what love as. The version
of me that knew that big love could actually happen to someone like me. The
version of me before reality hits me and/or before my heart was broken.
I am starting to wonder what
happens if I never learn how to love again?