There are things that I can say to
you, and there are things that I can’t. I’m always at war with myself, and I’ve
always known to have a graveyard in my
mouth filled with words that have died on my lips. I might do something
that can either push you away or make me hate myself even more. I’m afraid. I’m afraid of losing that
little bit of happiness of what I have right now.
I would never know why you would
choose to stay this time, because, believe me, I would have abandoned myself if
I could. But you were magical, like a fairy godmother magically puts you into
my life, I start to like myself more when
I am with you. I find myself smiling a little more when I am with you. I
wouldn’t say that I am whole, because I know that wouldn’t happen, but you make
me want to be better, to love myself, to learn to let someone into my life
again.
There will be nights where I’ll just
feel thankful for you and there are days I’ll feel like I don’t deserve the
good things. I am so afraid of love in such a way that I refused to put myself
at risk again. I’m afraid to come to the point where I’ve grown on reliant with
someone again. So much have changed me over the past 2 years, and I have been
working my way to leave. That’s why I just can’t grow on reliant with someone.
But to you it’s not about the future,
because with the pandemic I’m going to be stuck here for the next few years and I know I would never be able to be brave
enough to say these things; you make me
want to learn about love again, and with you I could completely be myself and
feel comfortable. You make me love
myself more.
