From the outside looking in, I’m not
someone who should be depressed. I get frustrated with myself sometimes because
I know this. I know there are people wishing for the things I do have and I
should be grateful counting my blessings. I find myself no reason to be sad. I
was raised in a good loving family that has pretty much everything I needed. I
was never forced to take extra subjects and even after a decade of
entrepreneurship, I’ve got myself a few awards as a milestone achievement.
There isn’t a weekend I’m not
invited somewhere. I’m actively involved in a lot of charities or friend’s
activities. My walls are filled with trophies, awards and accomplishments.
Pictures of me smiling and laughing. If there’s a word that my friends describe
me, they’d say I’m cheerful and real, their
go to person if they needed someone to hear them out. Those are my good
days. I don’t say these things to be boastful. I say this because this is the
reality of someone living in depression. The truth is I’ve mastered the art of
playing two very different roles.
I am not consume with sadness all
the time. I’m not screaming for help in a cry. I don’t even talk about my
feelings. Depression hides under my skin, hidden just there with me, something
only I know. Sometimes it creeps up to me out of the quiestest night or when
I’m on my weakest. And depression tries to convince me lies. Depression tries
to trick me into believing things I shouldn’t. It’s the effort to get out of
bed so that it can be over already.
I know I should appreciate every day
but depression makes me lose my energy. It consumes my brain entirely and
convince me that I’m not worthy. I’m not worthy to love, I’m not worthy to
have a significant other. Sometimes it rain over a day or two,
sometimes it goes up to weeks and months. But I know the sun will rise again
and the feelings will fade, it’s just getting through what feels like a storm
which is the challenge. It’s the conversation I don’t want to have because I
can’t describe what it is I’m feeling. I can’t understand why I’m feeling this
way!
I try entirely too hard in every
relationship. I think I have to. I
think I have to give people a reason to stay. Because if they see this side of
me they’re gonna leave me all over again. I wouldn’t say there are people who
never stayed, yet all I’m overcome with and think about are those who have
left. I love people a little too hard because it’s a process of learning to
love myself. And I’ll admit I don’t know how to.
Everyone feel things sometimes. Just
that I’m better at hiding it than others.