Ever since I got in a relationship,
I don’t look forward for the weekend anymore. I hate making plans with someone,
I hate going on dates and getting out the house all over again. I thought it
was my anxiety acting up to me all over again but I know it’s just an excuse I
put up for myself for not being able to commit in a relationship. I thought all
I need is time to be emotional available once again, but I can’t, and I just
felt drained and exhausted each time.
I sat on my chair looking out to the
city light every night, I don’t understand how everyone gets in a relationship
to be happy except me. I stare into my calendar and wish that I could rewind
time where I can decide again. My programmer turn up earlier than he should,
and another one turn up an hour later. But she stayed and chat, she has a hobby
of metapsychic too, where she starts reading my palm.
I always like to know where my
future is heading to, so I don’t get sidetracked by my lives too much. I always
wanted to know whether my feelings and the things I want is going to lead me to
the right place or it's just my impulsive thoughts. Her words slowly put
back the smile on my face, I was feeling calm for the first time since I got
into a relationship. I excitedly share the news to my co-workers and my mum
later at night.
I’d like to say that my
relationship status didn’t stress me out for that night. However, I had it categorized differently
now. Even know I’m glad I am never going to have a future with someone, at
least I know I don’t have to carry a burden over my shoulder for the rest of my
lives. I felt peace and could finally feel myself. It was my own romantic
chapter that I love to take it down the road all by myself until the end of
this lives. It may sound like I’m running away from my feelings, but it’s
destined that I was build this way.
I guess I owed it to myself, that my
love only belongs inside my head and not meant to share to anyone.