Love has always been a joke to me, I held on unhealthy relationships for over 7
years, been through an almost relationship and turned myself into the villain
of the story after that. I had broken hearts and had my heart ripped and shattered, each
one more devasting that the last. I had experienced being walk away in the
middle of the story that made me question if I wasn’t worth an answer.
So when I finally met someone who is
willing to stay and love right, I find
my heart incapable to love anymore. Throughout all these years, I have
already master my heart to not rely on another human being, I push people who
tries to come close but when the pandemic hits this year, I thought I would
finally learn to stay. I never thought with the pandemic, I would put myself into a relationship. I never thought someone
would accept me despite the countless of time I tries to push him away.
I never thought I would meet someone
who would see me for who I am and love me all the same. I never thought someone
would choose me deliberately out of the millions of matches and decide that I’m
the one. And I curse so badly, I sometimes cry in the middle of the night
because love only decide to come into me
when my heart is no longer capable to feel. I thought I’m lucky to have
someone who loves me more than I love myself in this lifetime, who would take my
insecurities and my broken pieces into his own arms.
I never really understood what love
is in this lifetime, I didn’t want to believe that love was for me after all
the experiences that I’ve been through. It came so unexpectedly and at such
wrong timing, and I’m still afraid,
I’m still doubting where it will take me.