Last night I dreamed about you; no one else was there; it was just us. I don’t dream very often unless I’m really depressed. I don’t like having memories of things that didn’t happen. I always wish I could dream about you more – so that I could have more things to hold on to for my forgotten memory. I wake up in the morning and the thought of you comes flooding back and thumps me in the chest so that I’m a little breathless. Or I remember little bits and pieces of your memory again. It’s such a heavy feeling. Heavy, dizzy. I didn’t know you still haunts me, but I try not to raise that thought of you, because all it ever feels to me was like losing something I’ve never had from the very beginning.
It
has been 7 years since I knew you were not into me; it’s been so long but I
never knew it could still upset me with just a thought of you. But time isn’t
necessarily the most accurate metric when you connect with someone. There’s
either a spark or there isn’t. And sparks are powerful. But I never liked
having memories of things that didn’t happen, so I can only tell myself that it
was real, all of it. That you knew I once existed in your life, that you were a
stranger that left an impact in my life.
I
knew from the very beginning we were never compatible, but I don’t know why my heart
never learned to move on from the story. Yet after you, I never learned to open
up my heart to anyone again. I never had the courage to take up my feelings and
move on with another human being. I am not damaged just not ready enough to open up to
another human being. It’s hard for me to come to terms with the ending, because
it didn’t have a chance to go bad. I’m left with happy memories, and therefore
confusion.
I’m
sorry my feelings felt this long about you and I’ve knew for a long time that
you will always be the feeling I never learn to get over but I will learn to
live with it.