Feeling Nothing is as Horrible as Feeling Too Much

There was a time in which I wanted to feel nothing, that I wanted the darkness to stop flooding over me. I want nothing more than to forget the ache that’s beating inside of me because for every breath that I took, I just wanted the pain to stop. It took me a long time to find myself back to the light. I wanted to get rid of the feeling that something is missing and I can’t escape the pain that loving someone came with it.

And then I thought I was ready for love again. I thought all my life I was destined for heartbreak, but I’ve go on dates after dates where I felt the skipping of my heart, the little jokes and laughter and I told myself that I’m okay and that I’ve moved on. And so I thought I did. My heart doesn’t ache anymore, it doesn’t shatter each time I look back into the past.

At one point of my life, I wished so badly that I could turn off all my emotions, so I wouldn’t have to go through this pain again. Little did I know, feeling nothing is just as horrible as feeling too much.

I have forgotten how does it feel like to look-forward for someone text messages, to smile on Good Morning texts and wish someone Good Night before calling it a day. I forget the butterflies I used to get before a date comes and how I wish our date could last a little longer. I forget how happy I get for being able to see him 3 times in a week. Now I’m plainly just existing.

I thought I have healed, but the truth is I’ve rebuild myself to not feel anymore. How I wish I could go through another crazy love story than to feel numb, and even if that means risking myself to be heartbroken. I just want to feel again, I want to feel human again.