I have always struggled with
vulnerability. I have stood up against guy who bully girls in school and as I
age, I voice against any disrespect men try to put against women. I like being
strong; I’ve always had to be strong, and I have associated vulnerability with
weakness for as long as I can remember. Of
course in everyday life, it would be difficult for people to know this. I
am seen as someone who is outgoing, at least to the extent that my demeanor is
not mistaken for being a cold, unapproachable bitch.
Perhaps it’s through writing,
perhaps it’s through getting older, but ultimately I’ve realized that I’m a really hard person to get to know.
And very few people know even the half of it. I’m guarded and I don’t break easily; no matter how close I am to
people, I know that most of them are still kept at a distance that is
comfortable, a distance that won’t leave
me exposed. I do not like to be vulnerable.
My heart automatically turns off all
the interest in the people who courageously approach me, and maybe that is
true. I’m afraid of being vulnerable
with people in that way. I like to feel in control of situations, I like to
feel that I am always secure and vulnerability gets in the way of that. When
you’re vulnerable, your heart is wide open, you put your trust in somebody.
I do not want to leave myself available to be close to someone, I am pieces with sharp edges that will make people bleed it they get too close. So I guess somewhere along the way, I made the decision that I shouldn’t let anyone come too close to me. After all, vulnerability never define me.