I still cannot fathom this thought
my friend has thrown on me, your inability
to receive support from others is a trauma response. I have always live
with a waking mode of I don’t need
anyone, I can just do it myself, because I needed it to shield my heart
from neglect, from betrayal, from disappointment from those who could not or
would not be there for me.
I grew up in a perfectly happy
family with sufficient attention given to me and my siblings yet I never
understood how I ended up here after decade of career fighting. I was told that
this usually happens from the absent of love while growing up, the broken
relationship from love and/or the friendships and family who always took more than they ever gave.
I would never understand how I ended
here on this journey of mine, I was put in an age-irrelevant position since 17
where I’ve to work myself out a new journey to find this solution to the
problem thrown on my face. I never complain, rant or even had a choice to give
up. Even this journey has shape me to be strong and more capable in life, it
has also brought in anxiety and depression. Life has hit me hard and again, and
it was only when I want to love, I realize I am incapable anymore.
EXTREME INDEPENDENCE IS A TRUST ISSUE. All these years I’ve already put myself in a situation where I don’t need to rely on anyone, I would not need someone at my side to guide me or even be there for me. I’ve learn to pick myself up each time someone breaks me apart, I’ve learn that no one is going to be there to help with my problems, that trust is something so easily broken.
I stopped trusting for a long time. I learn that to trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable. Yet no matter how I dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what I always wanted to be. The truth is I am wounded, scarred, broken behind a protective brick wall. I am a trauma response.