I’ve always knew the signs that has always been there. Though not as eye
catching as a neon sign or as obvious as a billboard, the signs were still obvious.
Just that no one knows me well enough to notice those signs; they only see me giving up relationships, running away from my lives, being picky where the truth is I just don't have the appetite. Most of the time I just feels like I’m losing my breath. Internally I begin sweating so profusely I could and will soak my shirt and I try and take deep breaths because it just feels like I have none left.
I put on that smile, the perfect poker face that strangers name after killer smile. As long as I smile, no one knows what is going on inside. But behind my smile my mind races down every possible worst scenario in any given situation. I push these thought out by keeping busy, I don’t turn down my friends because being busy means I won’t be left alone to think.
Outside, others see a workaholic, an overachiever. A person who seems so
put-together. I smile again, remembering it’s the perfect poker face, and their words serve to persuade me that they are in
fact true. But when I’m alone though, especially with the lockdown after and
again, it all creeps back in. Like a shadow crawling up my back I start to feel
the fear, uncertainty and that’s when I know… I suffer from anxiety disorder.