I have always been a shitty girlfriend; I made excuses about how I’m not really in the mood to hangout. Everytime I date, I am terrified of the conversation we will be having. Every time I get quiet around, I still feel the uncomfort or the awkwardness of the silence moments. It always takes me forever to get used to a new situation, and each time I feel more stuck than comfort in a relationship.
I want to be the girl who would not hide away further each time someone raises to meet their family or close friends, who doesn’t judge their friends by who they really are. All these truths is sufficient to define me as how I have always been a shitty girlfriend my entire lives and I put the blame on my anxiety for not being able to act carefree and fun.
Even when we’re alone together, there are so many times my anxiety gets the best of me. I thought I was comfortable around them but I am still scared to let them see the vulnerable side of me. I don’t start fights or try to be soft-spoken because my unconscious mind tells me how hopeless I am to act up this way. My other half all want me to admit that something is bothering me, but how do I tell them that they were the one bothering me (?) where they have not done anything wrong. I just have to pretend I’m fine, to make things easier on them and/or myself.
I’m so used to hiding my feelings, I’m used to putting up a good front pretending that everything it’s okay when all I want to do is curse. It’s hard to believe that someone likes me for me, even though I know I have so much potential than many. I ruin dates, I ruin relationships, because I doubt myself all the time. So many people say they want to be my forever, but my anxiety has always act up to me pushing everyone away.