I’ve gone on dates with people who said the right thing at the right time. People who looked perfect for me on everything. People who I should have had a spark with, who I wish I felt a stronger connection with, but I didn’t feel anything at all.
I thought feelings are just a part of love, that I could go on dates without needing to feel butterflies swarm in my stomach, that I would never again need that silliness rush of adrenaline when I see someone’s name on my screen. I assume that those feelings are overrated when it comes to relationship. I thought that my past heartaches has taught me to be more cautious over falling over someone, I thought that it was my struggles in life that turned me cold and heartless.
I thought I have healed, let go and moved on with life the way I should, but it turns out that feeling nothing is an end product of being numb from everything. A person who makes me smile more in day than I have in the past year, still isn’t sufficient to revive my seemingly numb heart. A person who makes me feel lightheaded every time he kisses me, is insufficient to makes this heart flutters. A person who makes me feel comfortable just by his presence itself, is insufficient to electrified my heart.
I never knew I have been feeling numb after all these years, I thought I have rebuild myself the way I should, but the truth is, there is never really the wrong ex-es, it has always been me. It was my heart that stop beating for someone, it was my anxiety that stops me from wanting anyone close to me. It doesn’t matter how many chances the cupid gives me or makes me feel alive and/or felt comfortable over someone presence, I realized it is my destined to be alone.
Because you can break a broken heart yet not revive a numb heart.