I’m sorry for the baggage – I thought that as long as I’m not in a committed relationship my anxiety and depression would not swallow me inside out. I try to hide it, try to ignore it for good – but really all it need is the tiniest emotional paper cut to send it oozing blood all over again.
I never wanted to go missing in action in between the conversation that has been going perfectly well, I thought I was just dealing with the modern day dating by chatting with random stranger online, but I realize I’m just incapable to flirt anymore. My conversations rarely made it out of Hi or How’s your day? I don’t know if that’s a punishment I have put up myself for breaking someone’s heart over and again.
I thought all I need is just linger by the surface and leaves before anyone develop feelings, that I make sure our compatibility is only out of the horoscopes so no conversation can roll on any deeper. I thought I could make a simple conversation with anyone, crap the nonsense and/or joke on everything; but I’ve build up so many walls around me that every turn I made would hit the wall falling down like dominos. The memories from the past would trigger my guilt that I just want to hide in deeper in life.
One conversation has reminded me of an old picture that triggers me to
find it back, only to find me trying hard to catch a breath, I thought it’s
been 7 months since I try to get myself back to normal, but all the old
memories only came rushing back to me hitting me hard with anxiety and
depression all over again. I thought I have left him wounded, little did I know I was the one bleeding all
these time. I guess I’m always going to be the baggage that will never be
unpacked.