There’s a Facebook memory from 2017 that appeared on the top of my feed today morning with a tag from an old friend, with the caption 【Looking forward to the future】. That caption has caught me thinking, if I knew that someone would no longer be a part of the future, would I still look forward for the future?
I thought I am heartless, I thought I have lose feeling or the ability to cry. But those Facebook reminder keep coming in one after another, day after day, weeks after weeks, with the memories flooding in like a tsunami knowing that I will never get to relive those moments. That those happy days are behind me, that those friendship is always going to be behind me. Those memories has put me into the verge of tears ready to break apart.
I am not happy with a lot of things in life right now yet I am not sad either. I’m in-between, and that’s where all the most painful challenges spring up. It is the place where all of the insecurities are highlighted, all the stumbling blocks come out to trip us up. It’s the most lonely of all phases. I don’t know if this is a stepping stone for me to be able to feel again, to have feelings, to trigger the emotions I have hid away so well, so that I could finally learn to let it go.
I hope all of
these would eventually lead me to peel me away from everything I’m not and
break down the defenses to remember who I once was right down in my core. But
right now I just want to whisper, I miss
having you as a part of our hangout.