Last week I was drown in a tsunami of thoughts and emotions trying to find that exact feel I had inside of me. I just lose a friend who has been battling with cancer over the past few years. When the message came in the evening, I thought I would have felt the sadness over losing a close friend but I couldn’t find the tears, not even close.
When I look back at the pictures, I felt a thump over my chest not knowing that we’ve spend so much time together over the years, celebrating little festive holidays and each other birthdays creating so much memories as the years go by. I thought I would have at least felt the urge to cry over those little memories that can never be relive again, but I couldn’t find the tears, not even close.
When everyone called for a last gathering once more by your funeral parlor, I thought seeing you for one last time would left me sobbing in tears but I stood right in front of your beautiful smile wondering why I do not feel a single thing. When her kids asked if I wanted to say the final Goodbye behind, I contemplated for a long time. I remember having the memories flooding over me after having the last look for my grandmother, but even after seeing you one last time, I couldn’t find the tears, not even close.
I just feel
very… nothingy. I know I’m sad, but
my heart and soul is not feeling it. I wonder if I’ve let grieve taken over me
for so long that I’ve turned numb for everything. I can sleep, I can eat, I can
talk and I can breathe, I just couldn’t
cry. I know deep down inside I wanted to cry, to mourn over the loss over a
close friend, but I couldn’t. I whispered, “I’m not okay” to myself in the
mirror, but all I see in the reflection is a cold, heartless girl who has
stopped feeling for a long time.