I want to learn how to fall in love again, I want to learn to open, to trust, to let someone in my life all over again. But I realize I’m afraid of losing that little bit of control I still had in my life.
The other day I stumble upon a Facebook post of a stranger who share how incapable and powerless she has become after meeting the love of her life that even her kids asked her once if she knew how to drive, where she used to take charge of her own lives, have full control over the wheels and hitting the highway up north or down south with a heartbeat. That she found strength in vulnerability.
And this is where I realize I am afraid of giving up that little bit of freedom I still have in my life, to let someone in. I push away anything that closely resembles affection because I’m afraid of losing the control I have in my lives, for not being able to be in charge, for putting up someone lives over mine. I shied away from relationships, from connections, from anything deep or true because I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m capable to rebuild myself all over again.
I’ve tried harder than anyone else I know to be in a relationship only to realize after reading that post that it isn’t anxiety that’s holding me back, it’s the fear of being vulnerable, it’s the fear of losing that little bit of myself I still have inside of me. No matter how long love is waiting for me in front of my doorstep, I would never be able to overcome the fear of losing myself all over again.