I wish I had
more to feel but I don’t. Just a bunch of disjointed thoughts that don’t really
make sense. I’m having trouble finding the right words to express yet every word
that came out, I hit delete, delete,
delete. The words just doesn’t make sense when it comes out from my lips. I
want to write about the boys that came one after another but I keep pushing
them away. Instead I let myself be
called beautiful, smart and strong yet ending my day alone every night.
I’ve done things I’m not proud of, but self-loathing ebbs and flows. Sometimes I feel brave, other times I feel depraved. Should I trust my decisions or wait for my wavered precision to pass before I do something repulsive? There’s no such thing as mistakes in life, I was told, only lessons to be learn. But what if the lessons were I made stupid decisions and keep repeating them. Delete. Delete. Delete.
I thought
about the sweet conversations I had when I flirt around with my the boys I
never want to get serious with, but I’ve lose the ability to flirt now, none of
this is making sense. I’m having trouble typing, the words just won’t spill. I keep hitting delete. The words just
couldn’t find its way out of my fingers, where are my words, where is my mind,
where is my heart? I’m in trouble, I’m not thinking, I’m starting to… fumble?
Wrong words, delete. Delete. Delete.
I wish I could rewrite my life in a blank piece of paper, I wish life had a backspace key… delete. Delete. Delete. So I could do a reset on feelings.